Rudi Viljoen

Falling in love, the secret to great relationships

Do you often feel let-down by others, maybe a partner, a colleague, a friend or one of your children?  Have you lost trust in the world?  Are you de-motivated and perhaps a unsatisfied with parts of your life?

Relax, there is nothing wrong with you or with the world, you are not alone. Most people experience this at some point in their lives. 

Let me explain:

You are simply experiencing a natural state of “Getting what you create” We cannot expect from others what we don’t give to ourselves. You are unconsciously attracting exactly that, what you don’t give to yourself. When you don’t experience love, respect or feeling valued, it is a direct mirroring of how you feel about yourself. If you are truly conscious and open to take personal responsibility for your experience, you will see the pattern. 

This pattern often starts with how you talk to yourself and how critical you are about yourself. Criticising yourself will attract a feeling of “not good enough” and often you will get an unconscious message from others that you can never do anything right. When you speak badly about yourself, even just on a thought level, you will experience the same from others and you will pick up on every small little negative comment and ignore any compliment or courtesy. Unconsciously you will look for that what you believe about yourself. You are like a magnet, you attract what you believe. When you don’t love yourself deeply you will always search for that love in someone else.

The idea that someone else is responsible for your feelings makes you a victim and leaves your powerless. The journey lies in “love-making” Yes, you heard me right, but not as in the picture that you see in your mind right now. You may be thinking, Rudi you have really lost the plot here, but hear me out. 

Falling in love with yourself and making love with yourself is the real answer here. So, the question is how do we make love to ourselves? How do we fall in love with ourselves? 

Having self-love is non-negotiable. It’s as important as the air you breathe. Love is the emotion and experience every human being thrives on, it is essential for a meaningful and happy life. The path to true Nirvana starts at loving-yourself. All relationships are barometers to measure your self-love and when you are a competent observer of yourself, you will notice how you create the results and experiences through the quality and the level of how much you love, value and respect yourself. 

When you truly love yourself and your cup of self-love runs over you do not rely on others to complete you. When you experience low self-love, you will be sensitive to the lack of love from others. When your partner, family member or friend does not give you their fullest love or attention you will experience being not loved, fear, abandonment and being under-valued. 

You see, people who truly love themselves don’t stay stuck in toxic relationships. They attract relationships with others who also have a healthy amount of self-love. At the heart of difficult relationships lies a lack of self-love, often both ways.

Lack of self-love often stems from childhood and are referred to as “adverse childhood trauma”. Some people had overly-critical parents or had siblings that they had to compete against. Through these childhood experiences you have developed a distinction that love is earned and deserved by measuring up to certain standards. As we get older we carry these limiting beliefs into our adult relationships. 

When you don’t fully love yourself, you will always be searching for love and you will try to get it from your partner or from others. And since self-love can only come from you, disappointment is guaranteed in relationships. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

You may be nodding your head as you read this, noticing similarities in your behaviour and asking the question, but how do I make it right and how do I learn to love myself?  The simple answer is to acknowledge all the great and wonderful things about yourself. Start with a morning affirmation, stand in front of the mirror and talk to yourself about your great qualities. It may be hard in the beginning but start small and work your way up to declaring your magnificence.

Learning to make love to yourself by speaking blessings over yourself, by declaring your magnificence, by seeing your beauty, and ultimately falling wildly in-love with yourself is the most important foundation to successful and happy relationships. 

The biggest gift you can give to the people in your life is to love yourself unconditionally. 

Make love


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